The Lost Art of Apologizing (i.e., Why can't people just say "I'm sorry"?)

Have you ever noticed that the way people apologize has changed over the last decade or so. It used to be that when someone did something wrong or hurtful, they would say, "I'm terribly sorry for doing something so wrong and hurtful." There is something satisfying in that apology and sufficiently humbling for the apologist that allows the person offering the apology to be redeemed. There is an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an acceptance of responsibility by the wrondoer and a sincere attempt to offer regret.

Over the past few years, whenever I hear someone apologize - especially when it comes from a public figure - it seems to go more like this: "I understand that some people were offended by what I said. It was not my intent to hurt anyone and it is unfortunate that my intentions were misunderstood. I am sorry if anyone was offended." Now, that is your classic, new millenium, lawyered up apology. It places the responsibility for the injury or harm on the injured or harmed. It is like saying, "Yeah, maybe I punched him in the face. But it is just too bad that he was such a wuss that he couldn't take it. I am truly sorry that he couldn't take it like a man."

Now, let's just make something clear.

THAT IS NOT AN APOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is no acknowldgment of wrongdoing, only an acknowledgment that someone thinks they were wronged. There is no acceptance of responsibility for wrongdoing, of course, since there is not even an acknowledgment of wrongdoing. And finally, the expression of regret is like a cold cup of hot chocolate. It is so wildly unfulfilling and inappropriate because it is easily seen for what it is - a total dodge.

Though this may seem a minor issue, to me it is emblematic of a much greater problem in our society. It evidences a lack of willingness to take responsibility for one's actions and it sends a horrible signal to everyone, to wit, don't get caught, but if you do, maintain plausible deniability even when saying sorry, or something sort of like sorry, at least.

By the way, if you read this and are offended, I am sorry that you were too daft not to understand it. Forgive me, please.

Watch this ... never fails to move me.

The Magic Tree House

I was reading my two boys a good night story - Revolutionary War on Wednesday by Mary Pope Osborne, from the Magic Tree House Series - and I stumbled across the following passage:

"A dangerous mission lies before you all," the man shouted
above the wind. "But I want you to have courage. You must
remember the words of Thomas Paine."

The commander-in-chief held up a piece of paper. He read
to his men:

"These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier
and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the
service of their country. But he that stands it now deserves
the love and thanks of man and woman ...."

"Wow, that's great," whispered Annie.

Listening to the powerful words, Jack felt his spirits rise, too.

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph," the
commander-in-chief read on. "What we obtain too cheap,
we esteem too lightly. It is dearness only that gives everything
its value."

There, in a children's book. It struck me how much our country had changed, how much we had changed as a people, how much our values had changed, how much we take for granted. It seems that we now value that which we can obtain easily and eschew the triumph that requires a sacrifice, missing the lesson in the laboring, losing the importance of what it means to earn something. And the inspiration of the leadership of our forefathers - aaah, what I would give to have even a hint of it today.